1 May 2009 -- A representative from the World Health Organization today related the agency's dissatification with the level of public anxiety over swine flu, and the diminishing number of color-coded alert levels left to combat the public's lack of concern with something they have been told they can do virtually nothing about."We need to get out the two messages that the world faces an unprecedented health threat which could result in Biblical-strength death and suffering, bodies stacked like cordwood, limed trenches, road warrior style disintegration of civilization resulting in the universal wearing of bondage leather fetish garb—and, that our only weapon against the disease is hand washing.
"And we need to get these two messages out without causing a panic. Although, frankly, we'd like a little more panic than we're seeing now."
The WHOs sole remaining color-coded alert level is, "PANIC."
"We're having hard time figuring out how to raise the alert level without causing a panic, " worried one official. "In retrospect we needed a lot more levels, but the graphic designer we were working with insisted that this color palette was working, and that adding another color would have looked stupid."
The organization is considering inserting a number of additional threat levels between the current level, (Orange, Get Ready to Panic) and the highest level. (Panic.)
"We know that this sounds like that scene of Spinal Tap where Nigel says, 'But this one goes to eleven." said one representative under condition of anonymity. (His name is Gulliver Foyle; he lives at the location link below.) But we're at wits end over here."
View Larger Map
"Honestly, if we can't figure this alert level thing out, some of us might have to actually get to work coordinating an effort to create a vaccine. You have no idea how tedious that kind of crap can be."
A reprentative of the 80% of humanity who is refusing to get worked up until the illness has killed as many people as Sport Fishing went on record as saying, "I'll be sure to use a condom next time I make sweet love to a pig. Get away from me douch nozzle, I have other things to worry about."
